5 Habits That Can Ruin Your Sex Life
The five habits that most often ruin a couple's sex life are avoiding talk about sex, bringing phones to bed, neglecting emotional closeness, ignoring sleep and stress, and repeating the same routine every time. The good news is that each one can be changed with small, practical steps, and small changes often make a noticeable difference.
The first habit, not talking, is the one most couples find hardest to change, because few of us were ever shown how. In our video course How to Talk About Sex you see these conversations demonstrated, so you can watch tonight and start one the same evening.
Key takeaways
- Silence about sex leads to guessing, and guessing leads to disappointment.
- Phones, poor sleep and stress quietly drain desire.
- Emotional closeness outside the bedroom fuels desire inside it.
- Routine is normal, and one small new thing is often enough to bring back curiosity.
Video course
How to Talk About Sex
30 short video lessons · 7-day practice plan · certificate
Learn to talk about desires calmly and kindly, the habit that makes every other fix easier.
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In this guide
- Which habits can ruin your sex life?
- 1. Why does not talking about sex hurt your sex life?
- 2. Do phones in bed really affect your sex life?
- 3. How does emotional distance affect sex?
- 4. Can poor sleep and stress ruin your sex life?
- 5. Why does routine kill passion?
- How do you break these habits as a couple?
- When is it more than a habit?
- Learn it faster with video lessons
- Frequently asked questions
Which habits can ruin your sex life?
These five come up again and again in research and in our members' questions.
5 habits that can ruin your sex life, and a quick fix for each
| Habit | Why it hurts | Quick fix |
|---|---|---|
| Not talking about sex | Needs stay hidden, resentment builds | One kind "I" message a week |
| Phones in bed | Less attention, less touch | A phone-free bedroom after 10pm |
| Neglecting emotional closeness | Desire fades when you feel distant | Ten minutes of real conversation daily |
| Ignoring sleep and stress | Tiredness and stress lower desire | Protect sleep, plan intimacy for calmer days |
| The same routine every time | Novelty and curiosity fade | Change one thing: time, place or touch |
1. Why does not talking about sex hurt your sex life?
Without words, partners guess, and guesses often miss.
Many couples never say what they enjoy, what they would like more of or what feels uncomfortable. Over time, small disappointments add up.
A 2019 meta-analysis by Mallory, Stanton and Handy linked better sexual communication with higher satisfaction and better sexual function. Talking is not unromantic; it is how you stay close. Our guide how to talk to your partner about sex gives ready-made scripts.
🎥 Want to see it done step by step?
In How to Talk About Sex you can watch lessons such as “Why dialogues are so important”, “Misunderstandings, dissatisfaction, and conflicts” and the “I” messages lesson, with examples of exactly what to say.
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2. Do phones in bed really affect your sex life?
They can. Phones take attention away from your partner, often at the moments you could be close.
Researchers call it "phubbing": snubbing your partner for your phone. Roberts and David (2016) found partner phubbing was linked with more conflict and lower relationship satisfaction.
Try a simple rule: phones charge outside the bedroom, or go face down after a set time. The last half hour before sleep is prime time for closeness.
3. How does emotional distance affect sex?
When partners feel unseen or unresolved conflict hangs in the air, desire usually drops.
For many people, especially those with responsive desire, feeling close and valued comes before wanting sex. Daily affection, appreciation and dealing with conflict calmly all count as foreplay.
- Share one high and one low from your day.
- Say thank you for something specific.
- Touch without expectation: a hug, a hand on the back.
- Repair after arguments instead of letting them linger.
4. Can poor sleep and stress ruin your sex life?
Yes. Tiredness and long-term stress are some of the most common reasons for low desire.
In a small 2015 study, Kalmbach and colleagues found that women who slept longer reported more desire the next day. Hamilton and Meston (2013) found chronic stress was linked with lower arousal in women.
Protect your sleep, move your body regularly and plan intimacy for calmer moments, such as weekend mornings. Our guide how to increase your libido covers lifestyle factors in more detail.
5. Why does routine kill passion?
Doing the same thing, the same way, at the same time makes sex feel predictable.
Aron and colleagues (2000) found that couples who did new and exciting activities together reported better relationship quality. Novelty does not have to be dramatic.
Change one thing at a time: the room, the time of day, the type of touch or who starts. For ideas, see how to spice things up in a long-term relationship or foreplay ideas that actually work. To see slow, new touch techniques demonstrated, try How to Arouse Her Desire for Sex.
What we teach in the course
What we teach in the course that most habit lists miss:
- Name the conflict, not the person. The lesson “Misunderstandings, dissatisfaction, and conflicts” shows how to talk about what went wrong without blame.
- Write your wishes down. On day 3 of the course's 7-day practice plan you list three things you would like more of; on day 4 you turn one into an "I" message.
- Match your partner's style. The “Perception channels” lessons explain why some partners respond to words, some to touch and some to what they see.
How do you break these habits as a couple?
Pick one habit, agree one small change and review it after a week.
- Read the table above together and each choose the habit you would most like to change.
- Agree one specific step, such as "phones out of the bedroom on weeknights".
- After a week, ask: what felt better? What should we try next?
✅ Try tonight: 3 small steps
- Put both phones in another room tonight.
- Tell your partner one thing you appreciated about them today.
- Ask: "What's one small thing that would make you feel closer to me?"
When is it more than a habit?
If changes do not help, or sex is painful or distressing, something else may be going on.
Low desire, erection problems, pain or lasting low mood can have physical or emotional causes. Consent and comfort always come first: never push through pain or pressure.
When to see a GP or doctor
- Sex is painful for either of you.
- Desire has dropped suddenly or for months.
- Erection, arousal or orgasm problems keep happening.
- Stress, anxiety or low mood are affecting daily life.
Not sure where to start? Take the free 2-minute Pleasure Quiz and get lessons matched to your goal.
Learn it faster with video lessons
Reading gives you the map. Watching gives you the feel. In How to Talk About Sex you see real conversations about sex modelled step by step, so breaking the silence feels natural rather than scary.
What you'll be able to do after 7 days
- Raise sexual topics calmly, using the lessons “How to talk to your partner about sex” and “Why dialogues are so important”.
- Get past misunderstandings and conflicts without blame.
- Share your desires as clear, kind "I" messages, adapted to how your partner takes in information.
What's included
- 30 short lessons, each technique demonstrated on video
- A 7-day practice plan with one small step a day
- Private and discreet: watch on your own device, whenever suits you
- A certificate when you finish
or see everything included in full access
Private account · watch on any device · cancel any time
Frequently asked questions
What habits ruin a sex life?
Avoiding talk about sex, phones in bed, emotional distance, poor sleep and stress, and doing the same thing every time are the most common.
Can a sex life recover after a long dry spell?
Often, yes. Start with closeness and talking rather than pressure, change one habit at a time, and get support if there is pain or distress.
How do we break a routine in the bedroom?
Change one thing at a time: a new time of day, place, kind of touch or who starts. Small novelty is often enough.
Should we talk about sex even if it feels awkward?
Yes. Short, kind conversations outside the bedroom are linked with higher sexual satisfaction.
Is it easier to learn how to talk about sex from video lessons?
For many people it is, because hearing the words and the tone makes them easier to use. Our course How to Talk About Sex shows examples step by step. Starting with one small conversation is a great first step.
Read next
Sources
- Mallory, A. B., Stanton, A. M. and Handy, A. B. (2019). Couples' sexual communication and dimensions of sexual function: a meta-analysis. Journal of Sex Research, 56(7), 882 to 898.
- Roberts, J. A. and David, M. E. (2016). My life has become a major distraction from my cell phone: partner phubbing and relationship satisfaction among romantic partners. Computers in Human Behavior, 54, 134 to 141.
- Kalmbach, D. A. et al. (2015). The impact of sleep on female sexual response and behavior: a pilot study. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 12(5), 1221 to 1232.
- Hamilton, L. D. and Meston, C. M. (2013). Chronic stress and sexual function in women. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 10(10), 2443 to 2454.
- Aron, A. et al. (2000). Couples' shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 273 to 284.
How we write: our editorial standards
Last updated: November 2026
